NARRATOR

"The knights you see portrayed in the following program are not real knights, they are actors. Do not confuse their behavior with those of a real and proper knight. A real knight is a highly trained martial artist and a supremely cultured individual, dedicated to the ideals of chivalry as practiced in these Current Middle Ages. Do not attempt to wear unearned the accoutrements of knighthood--the white belt, the gold chain or the spurs--unless you want to be laughed at."

Skit—Belthunters

FADE TO shot of woods. Group of five or six hefty ladies in capes tiptoe into view. When LEADER LADY has crossed about sixty percent of camera’s field, she pauses, turns to the camera which focuses in on her, puts her finger up to her pursed lips and

LEADER LADY

Shhhhh! Be vewy, vewy quiet.

Wee're hunting ca-niggits!

FREEZE FRAME on her face while NARRATOR speaks.

NARRATOR

Ca-niggits, of course, being the old English pronunciation of the word, "knight."

FRAME UNFREEZES and the ladies tiptoe on, chanting in unison as they cross the stationary camera’s field and are finally off camera.

LADIES

Ca-niggits, ca-niggits, we’re hunting ca-niggits!

SLOWLY FADE TO BLACK, with walking sounds dwindling away....

FADE TO shot of ORDINARY YOUNG MAN walking along forest path. LADIES swarm in from off-camera, link hands to surround him and start circling, singing (to the tune of London Bridge is Falling Down)... As they’re singing, he makes some attempts to break through their hands, but every time he does, their grip firms up and casts him back into the middle of the circle.

LADIES

Is he, could he be a knight?

Be a knight?

Be a knight?

Is he, could he be a knight?

Let’s find out now!

I don’t see a white white belt,

Gold, gold chain,

Spurs, spurs, spurs!

I don’t think he is a knight!

Throw him out now!

With these last words, the ladies on one side raise their still joined hands to form an arch while the ladies on the other side push him through. He stumbles along path a bit to the sound of their laughter until he finally gains his balance and looks back at the ladies with a very puzzled look on his face. The ladies have already turned their backs on him and are tiptoeing along the path again.

LADIES

Ca-niggits, ca-niggits, we’re hunting ca-niggits!

SLOWLY FADE TO BLACK.

FADE TO forest path. ANOTHER GENTLEMAN comes walking into view.

LADIES VOICES (Off-Camera)

There’s one!

He stops, uncertainty freezing him in his tracks as LADIES swarm around him, linking hands in a circle. He tries to escape, ramming one shoulder up against the linked circle, but the ladies firm up and their arms bounce him back up against the ladies across the way. As he discovers that they’re not taking offense at where his hands inadvertedly end up, even giggling, he visibly relaxes and enjoys making some half-hearted forays against the bumpers as they sing their little song.

LADIES

Is he, could he be a knight?

Be a knight?

Be a knight?

Is he, could he be a knight?

Let’s find out now!

I don’t see a white white belt,

Gold, gold chain,

Spurs, spurs, spurs!

I don’t think he is a knight!

Throw him out now!

As before, the ladies on one side raise their still joined hands to form an arch while the ladies on the other side push him through. He, too, stumbles along the path a bit to the sound of their laughter until he finally gains his balance and looks back at the ladies.

ONE OF THE LADIES

He is kind of cute, though...!

Hearing this, the GENTLEMAN grins broadly, spreads his hands wide, and the lady leaves the circle, happily bounds over to him, clutches him up, swings him around and they both look happily intent on each other as the others turn and continue down the path.

CAMERA FOLLOWS THEM for several moments until they’re out of range, then focuses as the ladies turn, tiptoeing away, chanting....

LADIES

Ca-niggits, ca-niggits, we’re hunting ca-niggits!

FADE TO BLACK.

FADE TO CLOSEUP of tree trunk. LADY’S head pops from behind trunk, looking around.

LADY

Ca-niggits, ca-niggits!

FADE TO BLACK

FADE TO forest scene. THREE LADIES stand back-to-back as they circle and peer around....

THREE LADIES

Ca-niggits, ca-niggits!

FADE TO BLACK

FADE TO FOREST PATH with SIR NIGHTLY walking along. Sound of spurs jangling....

LADIES VOICES (Off-Camera)

There’s one!

He stops, frozen, as LADIES swarm around him, linking hands in a circle.

LADIES

We’ve got one! We’ve got one!

SIR NIGHTLY

Okay, ladies, what’s this about?

LEADER LADY

It’s simple. We’ve caught you fairly and we’re not about to let you go until you promise to pay your ransom.

SIR NIGHTLY

And that is?

LEADER LADY

You have to promise—on your word of honor as a knight—to dance at least one dance with each of us—your captors—at the ball tonight.

SIR NIGHTLY

What?

LEADER LADY

That’s all we’re asking.

One dance with each of us.

A total of five dances.

SIR NIGHTLY

That’s outrageous!

LEADER LADY

(shrugging) It won’t kill you to do the pretty with us.

We can think of lots worse alternatives.

SIR NIGHTLY

Like what?!?

LEADER LADY

(staring him down) I’ve got a really good imagination.

Do you really want me to put it to use?

Think about it.

CAMERA FOCUSES in on his face during this very pregnant pause. Differing emotions flit across his face as he comes to the desired conclusion. No, he doesn’t want her to use her imagination. The possibilities for public humiliation are too great. He sags in acquiescence.

SIR NIGHTLY

Alright, I’ll dance with you.

LEADER LADY

Politely and graciously, with good humor?

I don’t want any of these good ladies to suffer humiliation at your hands.

He starts to huff up in indignation but her next words take the wind out of him.

LEADER LADY

If they are, I’ll make you a laughing stock across the entire kingdom.

A true knight doesn’t go back on his sworn word.

Ladies all giggle.

SIR NIGHTLY

An oath made under duress is not binding!

LEADER LADY

This is not an oath, it’s the terms of your parole.

If you break your parole,

the entire kingdom will know about it and they will be laughing at you!

He doesn’t say anything, just standing rigid as she stares him down. Finally she smiles broadly and bobs a curtsey while still holding hands in the circle of ladies.

LEADER LADY

It’s all part of the game, milord!

We set out tests of your knighthood, and either you pass them, or you don’t.

It’s all up to you.

Are you a shining example of knighthood for all Scadia to look up to?

Or are you simply a poseur,

a frivolous visitor to Scatalina, pretending to be a knight of the Idyllic Dream of a Nobler and more gracious Society?

Your actions, rather than your words, will be your witness.

She nods to the other ladies and they all start to skip and sing in unison.

LADIES

Are you Scade or are you Scat?

Scade or Scat?

Scade or Scat?

Are you Scade or are you Scat?

You decide now!

The ladies come to a stop, still holding hands.

LEADER LADY

We’re going to let you go now,

trusting to your word as a knight to be at the ball tonight

and to dance with each of us in turn.

I’ll be your first partner,

and each of us will make sure to link you up with your next partner

until you’ve fulfilled your obligations.

Part of your parole requires that you keep secret about this capture and agreement

until after the ball.

Or rather, if you warn your fellow knights,

then you may be the only one dancing attendance on us tonight,

and the only one that we’ll be able to say that we captured!

She nods again and the ladies’ circle tightens up. One lady reaches out to push on the knight’s back, making him stumble against the opposite ladies’ arms. They push him back again and again, as they chant:

LADIES

Shake him up with pins and needles,

Pins and needles,

Pins and needles!

Shake him up with pins and needles,

Throw him out now!

Arms raise to form an arch as opposite arms push him out. He stumbles down the path and looks back at the ladies as they’re laughing and blowing kisses at him.

CAMERA FOLLOWS HIM as he turns and heads away from them on the path.

FADE TO BLACK.

FADE TO BELTHUNTER LADIES shaking up and throwing out ANOTHER KNIGHT who stumbles dazedly down path as recorder plays London Bridge in background. Camera focuses on ladies as they’re laughing and blowing kisses at him and

FADE TO BLACK

FADE TO BELTHUNTER LADIES swarming around YET ANOTHER KNIGHT. He tries to make a break for it, but one of the ladies trips him up and the largest lady quickly sits on him. CLOSEUP of his face as he’s beating the ground in the traditional wrestling signal of defeat.

FADE TO BLACK

FADE TO HOODED MAN walking along path. Sound of spurs clanking.

(Off-Camera) LADY’S VOICE

There’s one!

Belthunter ladies swarm around him with giggles. The hooded man stays very still until they’re in place and have begun singing the first verse of their ditty. As they sing the last couple of lines, the man puts back his hood and reveals his arms. It’s a duke!

LADIES

Is he, could he be a knight?

Be a knight?

Be a knight?

Is he, could he be...a...knight???

Let’s...find...out...now?

They rather stumble out the last words as they realize they’re face-to-face with a royal peer.

DUKE

Alright, ladies, why are you doing this?

Pregnant pause while all the ladies look to the Leader Lady. She visibly stiffens her spine, takes a deep breath, and says

LEADER LADY

When was the last time you opened a ball?

FOCUS on Duke’s face. She has scored a direct hit. His mouth opens slightly, but nothing comes out.

LEADER LADY

Or, if you just really don’t care to dance,

when was the last time you contributed to the pageantry

involved in a ball?

The courtesy, the graciousness?

The Duke bows to her.

DUKE

Milady, wouldst do me the honor of opening the ball with me?

LEADER LADY

I’m sorry, milord Duke,

My opening dance has been claimed by Sir Harold.

Bethany is the only one of us who still has her first dance free.

DUKE

Ah.

(turning toward Bethany)

Then, Milady Bethany, wouldst do me the honor of opening the ball with me?

FOCUS ON Bethany’s face. She’s a shy thing and is a little overwhelmed at the attention.

BETHANY

(shyly)

I’d be honored, Milord Duke.

DUKE

(smiling benevolently down at her)

The honor would be mine.

CAMERA FOCUSES on the Duke and Bethany as the other ladies all look on, smiling.

FADE TO BLACK

FADE TO "BALLROOM SCENE" with large number of dancers in a lineup, including all the Belthunter Ladies and the knights. A trio of musicians to one side are playing a pavanne.

CAMERA FOCUSES on two elegant ladies in foreground.

FIRST LADY

My goodness, it’s been a long time since I’ve seen such a good turnout for the ball!

Such grace and pageantry!

SECOND LADY

I know!

I’ve never seen so many knights and squires enthusiastically joining in!

Isn’t it wonderful!

CAMERA LEAVES these two and focuses on the dancers again as the music comes to a close and the couples reverence each other.

FADE TO BLACK