Skit—Kiss the Tarts

By Jacqueline Britton

FADE TO expanse of fighting field, with large banner over multi-table pie display. Banner reads: "Queen of Hearts’ Royal Tarts/Charity Auction" in two lines. CAMERA zooms in and pans across pies. They’re beautiful; some double-crusted fruit, some custard, some meringue; really delicious-looking. Camera comes to rest on group of ladies clustered at far end. Officious PELICAN LADY has a clipboard and is noting down numbers and characteristics of each pie as she comes to it. The other ladies are following along, hanging on her every word. She is about at the third pie along.

PELICAN LADY

Now here’s a classic apple pie.

Double crusted with a design cut into the top.

Just beautiful.

And a traditional custard pie with beautifully fluted edges.

I can hardly wait to sample it!

This one seems to be a...lemon meringue?

My, that meringue is so impressive I can hardly tell what’s underneath!

I’m sure this one will bring a good price at auction!

And here’s another meringue.

But what kind is it?

I can’t quite make out under the layer of meringue!

She looks around, expectantly. Finally a lady at the back mumbles forth

COCONUT CREAM PIE LADY

Coconut cream.

PELICAN LADY

What?

CCP LADY

(a little louder) It’s a coconut cream pie.

PELICAN LADY

(Frowning) Coconut just barely qualifies as period.

(Graciously recovering) But, it’s for charity, so we’ll let it pass.

Moves along.

What a lovely cherry pie! (makes notation)

And this one is? (looks around)

RASPBERRY PIE LADY

Raspberry pie.

PELICAN LADY

Raspberry pie? Lovely! Nice presentation! (makes notes and moves along)

Now what is this? Another beautiful meringue!

CHOCOLATE CREAM PIE LADY

(Quietly) Blueberry.

PELICAN LADY

Blueberry?

Really?

I love blueberry!

But I need to check....

(pulls out toothpick and carefully pokes it into crack of meringue and touches it to her tongue.)

Wait a minute!

This isn’t a blueberry meringue pie—this is chocolate!

The other ladies draw back from Chocolate Cream Pie Lady in horror. She is a tad on the hefty side and looks suitably abashed to have been found out.

CHOCOLATE CREAM PIE LADY

Well....

I didn’t think it would do any harm, it is for charity, after all!

PELICAN LADY

(taking pie from table and handing it to her)

Please!

We’ve got to keep some standards!

I’m sure you’ll find some lord very willing to share in your...bounty.

CHOCOLATE CREAM PIE LADY

(attempting to hand it back)

Oh, please!

Can’t you keep it in the auction?

PELICAN LADY

(pushing it back at her)

No!

CHOCOLATE CREAM PIE LADY

Please?

PELICAN LADY

No!

(pushes back harder and the pie slips and ends up partly on ChocCP Lady’s face, but mostly on her very impressive expanse of chest.)

Everyone gasps and CAMERA focuses first on ChocCP Lady’s face and bustline, then onto look of horror on Pelican’s face as she realizes what’s happened.

CHOCOLATE CREAM PIE LADY

My pie! (Subtext—"My dignity!")

The other ladies can’t help their smothered laughter, which raises the fury level for the ChocCP Lady...

CHOCOLATE CREAM PIE LADY

You didn’t have to do that!

She grabs the Pelican by the neck and forces her face down into the Coconut Cream Pie.

COCONUT CREAM PIE LADY

Hey! That was my pie!

She grabs up another pie to heave it at ChocCP Lady, but she ducks and it flies into face of the lady behind her. All the ladies scrabble for their pies, trying to protect them, but end up one way or another with pie on their face, giggling hysterically. One lone lady has protected her pie and has survived without pie on her face. Two of the ladies, seeing this, start to descend on her, but before they can reach her, she smacks herself in the face with it, joining the crowd in laughter. The Pelican sobers up first....

PELICAN LADY

What are we going to do for the auction?

DISSOLVE TO side view of new banner stretched over line-up of be-pied ladies: Kiss the Tarts Off the Tarts/Charity fundraiser/Kisses $1.00. CAMERA backs up to reveal lines of gentlemen waiting with dollar bills in their hands to kiss the now very happy ladies.

CAMERA FOCUSES on ChocCP Lady who looks to have had most of the "mess" kissed off her chest already. A HANDSOME LORD has stepped up to her, she looks him up and down, reaches up to a spot of pie left on her face, drags her finger through it and down her neck to her cleavage.

CHOCOLATE CREAM PIE LADY

Oh, look! Somebody missed a spot!

CAMERA FOCUSES on Handsome Lord’s face as it registers delight at the implicit invitation.

FADE TO BLACK