FADE TO test pattern.

NARRATOR

The knights you see portrayed in the following program are not real knights, they are actors.

Do not confuse their behavior with those of a real and proper knight.

A real knight is a highly trained martial artist and a supremely cultured individual, dedicated to the ideals of chivalry as practiced in these Current Middle Ages.

Do not attempt to wear unearned the accoutrements of knighthood--the white belt, the gold chain or the spurs--unless you want to be laughed at.

NARRATOR

Every once in a while,

Yet more often than you’d think,

People come together to celebrate the ideals of the Middle Ages.

Creatively re-creating the Age of Chivalry.

When knights in armor fought for the honor of their ladies Fair,

And to prove themselves worthy of her regard.

When courtesy and honor were prized above all else,

With appreciation for the arts ranking right alongside the fighting skills.

At least, that’s the way it’s SUPPOSED to be....

FADE TO SCENE ON FIGHTING FIELD. Two knights are whacking away at each other’s shields. You can tell they're knights because of large, prominent spurs on boots, "gold" chains around necks which are suitable for hanging lamps, and three-inch wide white belts. Crowd is watching, with marshals holding pole arms watching intently.

1^ST KNIGHT gets in a good blow on SIR BADLY RAZED.

SIR BADLY

Light!

1^st Knight looks dubious in his body language, but shrugs and holds up his shield and sword again. They engage, exchanging several blows. 1^st Knight gets in another really solid-sounding blow.

SIR BADLY

Light!

1^st Knight’s body language is looking very tense as this sinks in. They engage again and 1^st Knight gets in a real bell-ringer of a blow.

SIR BADLY

Light!

1^st Knight’s body language looks beyond tense, the crowd is making tense, disapproving sounds but the knight finally shrugs and prepares to engage again. They go at it and Sir Badly gets in a decent blow past knight’s guard. The knight "dies" and Sir Badly takes off his helmet and raises his arms in a victory stance, turning to accept the accolades of the crowd, which are less than overwhelming. Finally one of the Marshals, a little white-haired woman, throws down her polearm in disgust and strides over to Sir Badly.

GRANNY MARSHAL

Look, if you think you're good enough to be our king,

you'd better be good enough to not let *any* blows past your guard!

They touch you, you're dead!"

While he’s cringing like a schoolboy caught with his hand in the cookie jar, she reaches up, grabs him by one ear and drags him over to the fallen knight who has by now removed his helmet and is looking pretty stunned by her actions, himself

SIR BADLY

Ow!

Granny!

GRANY MARSHAL

Now go up and say you're sorry!

SIR BADLY

(hanging head)

I’m sorry.

GRANNY MARSHAL

Now, go ahead, die like a man.

SIR BADLY

Yes, Granny.

With great melodramatic fanfare, Badly clutches himself and "dies" a glorious death to much applause and cheering by the populace.

CAMERA FOCUSES in on two belted fighters in audience who are watching this.

SIDE KNIGHT

Boy, I wouldn't want *my* Granny mad at me like that!

The other knight just nods.

CAMERA WIDENS onto full field, then FADES TO BLACK.

FADE TO FIGHTING FIELD. Sir Badly is in a bout with another fighter. This time a blow gets past his defenses and is very obviously a light blow. Sir Badly stops, feels the spot where the blow hit, we hear a loud groan of anguish issuing forth from his helm.

SIR BADLY

I'm dyi-i-i-i-i-nnnnnnggggg!

Badly "dies" an amusingly long death which brings forth more cheers and applause.

CLOSEUP on Granny's face in the audience....

GRANNY MARSHALL

(nods happily)

"That's my boy!"

FADE TO BLACK with the word GRANNYPOWER superimposed on the screen as voiceover proclaims:

NARRATOR

Never mess with the grannies!